Lost my hope

Wow I know it has been forever and tons of things have happened since i last wrote. Ok to start i lost my son to dfs. I know its hard for me and up until lately i had found strength in my love michel but things did not work out and i have lost hope. I love my son and want him back but dont know how i can achieve that. I have fallen behind in all my bills can barely keep a roof over my own head how can i help my son? I lost a man i loved dearly and i lost my son. My heart is more broken then i can explain. As i try to find meaning in my life i struggle with including my son in this struggle. I lost my childhood early and dont want to bring my son back into my life with it as hectic as it is though i want him back. I cry at night with the pain that i cant explain to anyone. I lost my confidant whom knew me and my struggles. My son i feel is better with someone else but i want him with his father not my parents. My parents are protecting my son right now while i go through these trials but i feel that my son should be with one of his parents if it is possible. Im afraid to destroy his life along with mine and i fear that i will not be able to give him the things he needs. Between the creditors calling non stop almost losing my car cause i was 3 months behind in payments, my parents paying my insurance and cellphone so i can still live. I feel like a loser in my life. Why would i include my son in that life? A life so unpredictible that i dont even know where my next meal is coming from and i live in between houses with friends. Trying to cope with the depression of losing a man that i know if we had just tried, would of been a great father to my son in the absence of chris ( Emmanuels dad ). I am trying to make my life make sense but it seems impossible. I feel like im fighting in quicksand just barely keeping my head above the surface. I want to just be free of pain and insecurity. I want my son to grow up not knowing the sacrifices i make everyday. I want him to have the best life possible. While I know that every child needs their parents in their life i want to be there for him but i want him to have everything he needs. My son worsens everyday and i fear i am already losing him to this disease that i have n0 control over. I wish that God could give me his pain and his life expectancy. God give me his death give me his pain make his life all that i want it to be. Let him grow old and not let me surpass my son in life. I feel so gone to the world now and I know that i have nothing left to give my son but my heart and love. I cannot provide for him by myself and a decision i must make soon is where can he live life to the fullest? With my parents, his father, or with me ? The pain of young motherhood is stronger than i think i could of ever expected and it kills me inside to know that i may just be a mother in name but not in acts.